humor

How To Write a BAD Resume

Nothing is more enthralling than writing up your first post college resume, right? ….Okay I am only joking about the thrills of the trade.  Let’s change things up a little by me sharing with you how to write a BAD resume in three easy steps.

Step 1. WRITE FAST.

You seriously want to be done with this horrible task as soon as possible.  Editing takes forever and you may have to find another person for a second opinion.  Human Resources will definitely know you were trying to say “shift” the 30 times you left out the f.

Confused businessman
Photo Credit 

Step 2. WRITE A LOT.

No need to be shy- the employer has all day to read over your resume.   You should flood them with useless achievements beginning with your youth t-ball team home run up until the award winning omelet you created this morning. The less relevant the achievements are to the job posting the better.  You want to stand out!

Sleepy-Woman
Photo Credit

Step 3. LIE. LIE. LIE.

This company doesn’t know you.  Embellish EVERYTHING! Odds are they are not going to actually cross check all credentials you list.

surprise-man-computer

Photo Credit 

Okay…READY? SET? GO!

*DISCLAIMER: Following any of this advice will almost guarantee you a spot in the “reject” pile for landing interviews. Only follow these steps if you would like to remain unemployed.

First Day Awkwardness

On your first day, you might envision something like…

You could be expecting…

But even weeks later, it’ll really be more like…

Even if it isn’t your first day, it takes a while to get comfortable at a new job. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. You are an intern, not a CEO. You can’t expect to be an instant expert. You need time to adapt, time to adjust.

Especially after you make a mistake, something that is expected when you start working at a new place, you might get that “I wish I called out sick today” feeling. You could be thinking the same thoughts that would go through my head while running during long field hockey practices: if I just tripped and fell right now, I could be done for the rest of the day, but not so hurt that I missed the game on Friday. Just hurt enough to be an acceptable excuse but not hurt enough that it’s actually really painful and I’m out for a while. Powering through those moments is like a Monopoly card saying you can move along to go and collect $200, but instead of landing on go, you land on adulthood (and you have to wait until the 30th to get paid, then take out taxes).