Humor

How To Write a BAD Resume

Nothing is more enthralling than writing up your first post college resume, right? ….Okay I am only joking about the thrills of the trade.  Let’s change things up a little by me sharing with you how to write a BAD resume in three easy steps.

Step 1. WRITE FAST.

You seriously want to be done with this horrible task as soon as possible.  Editing takes forever and you may have to find another person for a second opinion.  Human Resources will definitely know you were trying to say “shift” the 30 times you left out the f.

Confused businessman
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Step 2. WRITE A LOT.

No need to be shy- the employer has all day to read over your resume.   You should flood them with useless achievements beginning with your youth t-ball team home run up until the award winning omelet you created this morning. The less relevant the achievements are to the job posting the better.  You want to stand out!

Sleepy-Woman
Photo Credit

Step 3. LIE. LIE. LIE.

This company doesn’t know you.  Embellish EVERYTHING! Odds are they are not going to actually cross check all credentials you list.

surprise-man-computer

Photo Credit 

Okay…READY? SET? GO!

*DISCLAIMER: Following any of this advice will almost guarantee you a spot in the “reject” pile for landing interviews. Only follow these steps if you would like to remain unemployed.

Not Your Typical College Movie

Somehow, the subject of college doesn’t seem like it would translate well to a kid’s movie. Sure, college is great, but many activities that happen on campus aren’t exactly PG, especially those conducted by fraternities.

MONSTERS UNIVERSITY

However, Monsters University is yet another Pixar gem, a film that entertains both kids and older audiences alike. The film is not a sequel to 2001’s Monsters Inc. but a prequel, telling Mike and Sully’s story before they were friends. They enter school as enemies and rivals, but they must form an unlikely friendship in order to earn their degrees.

First and foremost, I loved the college setting, and I think that any current or former student can find humor in the jokes. The filmmakers nailed college life while still keeping it appropriate for kids. That said, the humor isn’t only targeted at a younger audience. It’s an ageless sort of humor, and I saw people of all ages in the theater. In fact, there were far more adults than children, and they were all laughing.

The voice cast is particularly excellent, with many of the main character’s remaining unchanged. The numerous newcomers are also excellent, including such big names as Helen Mirren, Alfred Molina, Charlie Day, Nathan Fillion, and Aubrey Plaza. This impeccable voice talent allows for some great gags that may not have been so amusing if not delivered by veteran actors. Plus, they all were cast perfectly––Charlie Day in particular.

True, Monsters University is not as innovative as its predecessor. It may lack some of the laughs and some of the surprises that made the first Monsters film so wonderful. But don’t get me wrong––it’s by no means a boring film. Monsters University is a cute, lighthearted way to return to school on your summer break, and I highly recommend it.

View the final Monser’s University trailer here. And go see the movie! You won’t regret it.

151 D.I.Y. Halloween Costumes: Easy, Fast, Cheap!

It’s that time of year again: HALLOWEEN! If you’re anything like the typical college then I’m sure you’re on the lookout for fun and unique costumes on a budget. This year, we got our creative juices flowing and came up with 151 homemade costume ideas that you can easily throw together for the big Halloween party. We’ve provided directions for each idea, but strongly encourage you to think out of the box and use your own creativity to make these the best costumes ever!

Frosted Mini Wheat
Frosted Mini-Wheat

Use foam for this costume, cover it in brown felt, then use white spray paint to give it the “frosted” look.  Cut out the eyes and grin with black felt and hot glue to the brown felt. Glue an empty milk carton to a ball cap with some really thick looking white pipe cleaner coming out of the spout to look like milk is pouring out of the milk carton.
Load of Laundry

Take a tall laundry basket and cut a hole in the bottom that you can fit your body through.  Tie two pieces of string to the top of the basket to hold it up.  Fill the basket with laundry. Do not insert detergent.

Replacement Referee

Find a referee shirt, create one by applying black stripes to a white shirt, or vice-versa. Make sure you have a whistle around your neck. Final touch: paint your face like a clown. Touchdown!

Donald Trump

Wear a spiffy suit with a shiny tie, find an awfully unrealistic toupee like wig, and be a complete jerk to strangers. Talk as loud as you can with a deep voice. You will be surprised how much you look and sound like Donald Trump.

Dorito Taco

This costume is a great arts and crafts project!  You will need a lot of colorful foam (found at most arts and crafts stores) and a hot glue gun.  Start by cutting out a large red foam circle.  Then, cut strips of different colored foam and glue them on top of the circle.  When you are done gluing the foam strips, cut arm holes on each side of the circle.  Place your arm through the holes and wrap yourself up like a taco!

See all 151 costumes!

First Day Awkwardness

On your first day, you might envision something like…

You could be expecting…

But even weeks later, it’ll really be more like…

Even if it isn’t your first day, it takes a while to get comfortable at a new job. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. You are an intern, not a CEO. You can’t expect to be an instant expert. You need time to adapt, time to adjust.

Especially after you make a mistake, something that is expected when you start working at a new place, you might get that “I wish I called out sick today” feeling. You could be thinking the same thoughts that would go through my head while running during long field hockey practices: if I just tripped and fell right now, I could be done for the rest of the day, but not so hurt that I missed the game on Friday. Just hurt enough to be an acceptable excuse but not hurt enough that it’s actually really painful and I’m out for a while. Powering through those moments is like a Monopoly card saying you can move along to go and collect $200, but instead of landing on go, you land on adulthood (and you have to wait until the 30th to get paid, then take out taxes).

 

 

Weird Rentals

Some rentals just make sense—I can say for certain that I will only watch ‘No Strings Attached’ one time.  Maybe 0.5 times if it’s that bad.  A tile-cutter.   Who hangs on to those?  Hoarders do.  And you cannot afford to be a hoarder in college. Have you seen how tiny your dorm room is going to be?

Textbook rentals are great for the same reasons—you only need them for a limited time, and if you hang on to your Chem. 101 textbook through all four years and you’re not a chemistry major or pre-med, there is a show just for you.

You guessed it–it’s called Hoarders.

Sorry, just sayin.

Here are some rental industries and their failed business strategies—we packed our wit scalpel for some cutting remarks. It’s too bad all rentals don’t make as much sense as renting your textbooks.

 

Paparazzi

That’s right, you can rent your own stalkers! Is there anything these attention hogs won’t do?  It’s bad enough people assume that I’m keeping up with the Kardashians.  Getting annoyed by flashes for any extended period of time seems unusually tormenting. A better idea would be making sure your friends have their digital cameras for photos you actually want, not obscure photos with angles to catch your ‘nip slip’.

 

Underwear
Being a college student with a tight budget is common, but when renting underwear becomes the beacon for spending, your priorities may need to be reconsidered. If you are considering renting this, don’t. Underwear is meant to be purchased and it should stay that way. Although each pair rented is not previously used, this seems like a very unsuccessful business plan. These high price tightie whities don’t seem to fill the void for anyone (obviously excluding those with an underwear fetish).

Friends

Can anyone say social media? Even if you aren’t an extrovert, today there are too many ways to connect with people from around the globe. You can search for interests and find people that share common ground with you—it is THAT easy. Even if technology isn’t your forte, go to local events, join a club/group or take a class. There are just too many alternatives to resort to renting friends who are there solely for your money.

Fembot
Japanese engineers have invented an ultra realistic, fully functional robotic humanoid (a la Austin Powers). We have the feeling that there aren’t many male models going into production. You know what’s freakier than a giant human robot contraption, a giant human robot contraption that is available to rent. I might consider renting them if they had machine-gun jubblies, otherwise I’ll pass . Companions should be the ones with real feelings and emotions, not computer-simulated responses. And who prefers the warmth of a cold metal hand on their shoulder? There is a reason why birds of a feather flock together—or so to speak.

 

 

 

 

Willhelm

I’m reading Chemistry: The Central Science