Roommates are annoying, especially freshman year when they are randomly assigned to you. Forced compatibility is rough no matter how social you are. Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.
#1 Confess to your roommate that you’re confused, sexually and carnivorously. Lament daily that you should be a vegetarian but just can’t quit eating bacon.
#2 Start every story you tell him/her about high school with “We got so hammered and then ….” End every story with “hilarity ensued.”
#3 Blare loud music so that all your hallmates will have to stop by at least once to tell you to turn it down. Any publicity is good publicity.
#4 If your roommate tells you about someone they like, be VERY supportive of their opinions. Tell them how smoking hot that person is, how you’d be all over them if they weren’t already into them, and then for good measure, flirt with that person at parties to prove you were not lying when you said they were attractive.
#5 Stock up on pungent foods like garlic and old cheese. That way if you need them to vacate, you open up your stinky stash just long enough for them to hightail it to the library. Blame it on the dining hall food you ate last night.
#6 Wait until the pile of dirty clothes is taking up 1/5 of your total floor space to do laundry, then brag about how “green” you are being by hanging your clothes around the room. If she get pissy about your wet floor, lay some eco-guilt on her.
#7 Related to the last one, you can further impress them with your environmentally consciousness by only flushing after number 2. If they complain, show them some stats about lack of clean water in developing countries. They will roll their eyes at first, but just keep talking and they will totally get it.
Have any roommate horror stories from someone who did anything on this horrifying list? Let us know in the comments section.
I’m reading Elementary Statistics